The Cascade Team Blog

It’s hard to believe that sixteen years ago my life would be forever changed by the birth of my son. It has been such a pleasure to watch him grow and to become the fine young man he is today! Keenan I am very proud of your big heart, how hard to work to be a strong leader and all around good person. You have inspired me to be a better man and father, and I have no doubt that you will do great things in your life!

Here’s to Keenan and for everyone else a few fun facts about Keenan “The Gooch” Porter I’d like to share!

• Keenan does not "style" his hair. It lies perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

• Keenan has counted to infinity - twice.

• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Keenan Porter

• If you can see Keenan Porter, he can see you. If you can't see Keenan Porter you may be only seconds away from death.

• Keenan’s tears cure cancer…. Too bad he has never cried.

• Keenan Porter sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Keenan roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

• A poisonous snake once bit Keenan. After 3 days of excruciating agony the snake finally died.

• Keenan Porter doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Keenan Porter has allowed to live.

• Keenan once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.

• Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Keenan Porter. Then Keenan showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

• Keenan sleeps with a night light. Not because Keenan is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Keenan Porter.

• Keenan ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

• If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Keenan Porter.

• Keenan Porter doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Keenan tells it to.

• Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Keenan Porter.

• Keenan Porter has never blinked in his entire life. Never!

• Keenan Porter got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Keenan Porter for every answer

• Keenan Porter doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.

• Keenan Porter does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

• Military scientists in the government have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Keenan Porter.

• Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Keenan Porter to die before they attack.
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